Guess The Celebrity Ultrasound!

Which celebrity took this picture when he/she was only a fetus?

New Movie: Leave Britney Home Alone

Sounds like studios are getting pretty desperate.  Here’s a summary:

 Child services have come for Britney’s kids, but little do they know that she’s set up an elaborate system of boobie traps to foil them. 

Betty White Baby Shock!

This is not a joke!!!

Bettie White is bearing a child! She says she’s keeping it and will get help raising it from her daughters.

We don’t know who the father is, but sources say it’s definitely not her husband, since he’s been dead for twenty six years.

At least shopping for the baby will be easy, since Betty will just have to double her existing order of diapers and formula.

CORRECTION: Melanie Griffith Still Smoking CIGARETTES

Oops, my bad. Melanie Griffith is not still smoking hot, she’s still smoking CIGARETTES.

She’s revealed to the press: “everyone’s gotta enjoy life a little.”

Boy, do I feel like a douchebag. Faulty reporting really destroys my journalism credentials.

I still stand by the fact that Rush Hour 4 would be hotter than Melanie Griffith, but admittedly that’s not saying much.

Melanie Griffith Still Smokin!!!

After all these years, actress Melanie Griffith is still smokin hot!!

Check her out in those tight black pants and “get the fuck off me” smile.

A disaster like Viva Laughlin can’t bring down this In The Army Now hottie.

The only thing hotter than Melanie Griffith would be if Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan paired up for Rush Hour 4! TOO HOT TO HANDLE!&*(^(*&#^$!!

Tom Brady in Spectacled Cormorant Fighting Racket

Police have undercovered a giant Spectacled Cormorant colloseum underneath Tom Brady’s house, days before he is scheduled to lead the Patriots into the history books.

Authorities say the venue was used weekly to hold bloody  cormorant death tournaments.  The birds would be given an option of weapons, ranging from brass knuckles to Molotov Cocktails, and the birds would fight to the bitter end.

This is especially troubling because scientists have believed  the spectacled cormorant to have been extinct since the 19th century.

Brady will probably charged with animal cruelty charges, but also honored for re-discovering an extinct species.

Lindsay Lohan Off The Wagon

More drunk escapades from Lindsay Lohan. I feel sorry for this girl.

After a hopeful streak, Lohan is back off the wagon.

Even after requests from her loved ones to stay sober, Lohan can’t muster the sobriety to give a comprehendible response. She’s as useless as a baby.

For the embarrasing antics, check out the video:

Deal Or No Deal Returns, Despite Strike

Despite the WGA strike, NBC is brazenly issuing an extended order for the well crafted drama Deal or No Deal.

For non-viewers, Deal or No Deal, is the story of a banker who must protect his money and family…of models holding briefcases…from random criminals who take advantage of his generousity. Howie Mandel does something in there, too.

The show is a critic’s darling as well, constantly achieving praise for its realistic portrayel of the banking profession, breifcases, and Howie Mandel.

In the heat of the strike, why would NBC make such a controversial move?

“The audience is just asking for it,” said an NBC exec, who requested to remain anonymous. Christopher Conti, the guy who gave the last quote, continued, “all of America is asking ‘Which briefcase is it?! Which briefcase is it?!’ We can’t keep the country in such agony.”

Britney’s Mom Comes To Town, Unqualified Celeb Advisors Turn Around

Britney’s mom arrived in Los Angeles Sunday night to help her ailing daughter, effectively sending a signal to all unqualified celebrities that they should stop trying to give their advice.

First it was Dr. Phil, who isn’t even a real doctor. What other unfit celebrities were poised to give Britney a few words of wisdom?

Kermit the Frog: Much like how Dr. Phil isn’t a real doctor, Kermit the frog isn’t a real frog…he’s a puppet. Another case of misrepresentation that might confuse Britney.

Kenan Thompson: He might be mildly funny and it is true that many people remember him from Nickelodeon’s All That, but Kenan has very little experience with getting divorced or losing custody of children…well, actually none…so anything he’d have to see would be completely meaningless.

Lucille Ball: Lucille Ball is actually dead, so any advice from her would be from a conspirateur posing as Lucille Ball, which would make any suggestion null and void.

Tiger Woods DUI

In the middle of the Buick Invitational at Torrey Pines this weekend, police offers charged Tiger Woods with a DUI as he lost control of his golf cart between the 12th and 13th holes.

“He’s setting a horrible example as a role model,” said the course’s sherrif, “and created a divet that was reprehensible.”

Sources say Tiger also had other illegal substances on his person, including three test tubes of Raven’s Revenge and a can of Jolt Cola.

Gallagher to Perform at Superbowl

Fox has just announced that comedian Gallagher, best known for smashing watermelons and disgracing the comedy community, is going to perform during the half-time show at the Super Bowl.

Gallagher will take the stage with previously booked musician Tom Petty. An executive at Fox said “the combination of Tom Petty and Gallagher is a one-two punch that will guarantee us the sought after demographic of no one, ages nothing to nothing.”

It is clear that producers are trying to prevent another Janet Jackson-style scandal by booking artists whose private parts do not interest the American public.

Zac Efron Without Makeup

Whether you think he wears too much or not enough, we’ve got a picture of what he looks like without the sprucing up.

See the picture after the jump…

Rosie O’Donnell 17 Years Pregnant

Turns out Rosie O’Donnell isn’t fat, she’s just been pregnant for the past 17 years. Unbeknownst to her, she’s been bearing a child, not  a weight problem. Way before she came out of the closet, Rosie was impregnated in 1992 by an unknown crew member on A League of Their Own.

“What a relief!” Rosie said. “This explains my 17 year craving for Hot Pockets and peanut butter.”

“I’m actually very excited, because we’re going to plan a huge sweet 16 for the child,” says Rosie. “Hopefully it’ll pop out then, take its driving test, and slide right into its new VW I just bought for it.”

Hulk Hogan is Next Bond Girl

Now that the title of the new Bond movie has been released (Quantum of Solace), we get to release the name of the next Bond Girl…

We’re pleasantly surprised to hear Hulk Hogan will be the next Bond girl. Or as producers are calling him, the Blonde Girl.

“Our first requisite was someone that had beautifully flowing blonde hair,” says director Marc Forster. “From there, we left our options open.”

“We finally narrowed it down to Hogan, Rock of Love bachelor and Poison frontman Brett Michaels, and Joan of Ark. Unfortunately Joan of Ark is dead and Brett Michaels is busy filming Rock of Love 13.”

“Hulk really has it all…the magnificent hair, a jaw-dropping bandana, and calves that could strangle a horse.”

Keeping with the theme of suggestive character names, such as Pussy Galore and Plenty O’Toole, Hulk’s name in the movie will be Swollen Prostate.

Scientists Sue Tom Cruise

Lab scientists in San Jose, CA have filed suit with Tom Cruise, claiming he is abusing the word “science” when referring to his religion of scientology.

“There is absolutely no science in scientology, and people are confusing the religion with a systematic knowledge or practice,” says a local chemist.
“Using the latin root scientia to classify his whacked out religion is like calling a hamburger a ‘vegetablood’ or calling a t-shirt an ‘accordioctopus.’ It just doesn’t make sense.”

“Scientologists have been abusing the word for too long. We’re reclaiming the word science for our community!..Or at least the letters ’s-c-i-e-n.’”