“I Boinked Jessica Alba”

Previously unknown concert promoter and part-time limo driver Chad Stedmetter from Asbury Park, New Jersey is claiming that he had sexual relations with Jessica Alba. He revealed all the naughty details to Field and Stream magazine.

Here are the highlights:

-”She’s really kinky and likes to try every position. Like, the one where I’m like this, and the one where she does this and I do that, and the other where we’re both doing this but my elbows are all the way over here.”

-”I was giving her, like, so many orgasms. I, uh, gave her so many orgasms, she was like ‘if you give me any more of these, I’m just going to return them for store credit!’”

-”She has a lot of stamina. We were doing it all night long. She just kept asking for ’sex’ and to be ’sexed’ and to ’sex me up.’ We had a lot of sex.”

After reading the article, it’s quite clear that Stedmetter actually had no sex with Alba whatsoever.