Yankees to play Cardinals

No, we’re not talking inter-league play.  While the pope is in the States and performing Sunday mass at Yankee stadium, the NY Yankees will be hopping on a plane for an exhibition game against the  Vatican City Cardinals.

In the absence of a stadium, the city will convert St. Peter’s square into a makeshift baseball field.

“I’m a little worried,” says shortsop Derek Jeter, “we’re not doing well this year, and they picked up an amazing draft pick: God.”

“I Boinked Jessica Alba”

Previously unknown concert promoter and part-time limo driver Chad Stedmetter from Asbury Park, New Jersey is claiming that he had sexual relations with Jessica Alba. He revealed all the naughty details to Field and Stream magazine.

Here are the highlights:

-”She’s really kinky and likes to try every position. Like, the one where I’m like this, and the one where she does this and I do that, and the other where we’re both doing this but my elbows are all the way over here.”

-”I was giving her, like, so many orgasms. I, uh, gave her so many orgasms, she was like ‘if you give me any more of these, I’m just going to return them for store credit!’”

-”She has a lot of stamina. We were doing it all night long. She just kept asking for ’sex’ and to be ’sexed’ and to ’sex me up.’ We had a lot of sex.”

After reading the article, it’s quite clear that Stedmetter actually had no sex with Alba whatsoever.

Are Queen Latifah and Shia LaBeouf Dating?

Nope.

Don’t know why you would’ve thought that.

Brad and Angelina to Adopt Jamie-Lynn’s Baby

 

In their continued effort to help underpriveleged children, Brad and Angelina have applied to adopt Jamie-Lynn Spears’ baby.

“Even though the baby isn’t from a third world country, it will grow up in a setting much worse,” said Brad. “A child growing up without running water, a clean bed, or proper healthcare could never understand the hardships facing a child growing up in the Spears’ househould.”

Angelina has already adopted a Cambodian, an Ethiopian, and a Vietnamese child.  Two more and she gets a free six inch sub.

Hello Boys, I’m Ba-ack!

What lasts 4 weeks, is extremely arduous, and may feature Brigitte Nielsen?  No, not Flavor Flav’s new sitcom.  REHAB! 

That’s right, for the past month I’ve been unable to post because I was busy joining the ranks of an elite few: Lindsay, Mischa, Jeff Conaway. Alright, maybe not an elite few, more like a smattering of hoi polloi.

But I’m back and ready comment on [fake] celebrity news.  What was I in rehab for, you ask?  How dare you!  That’s personal and solely my business!  I would expect you to respect my privacy and cease this disgusting desire to pry into other people’s hardships.  

Now on to the celebrity gossip… 

Hungry Hungry Hippos TV Show

To fill in the gaps created by the writer’s strike, FOX is developing a game show based on the hit board game Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Youngsters might remember the game as the one where you tried to capture as many plastic balls with a springing plastc hippo.

However, the live version is going to be a little different. Contestants from around the world will be placed in a gladiator-type ring where extremely hungry hippos will be released. The last one standing is the winner and the losers die.

FOX said a key selling point was the fact that people might die. “That always makes for good tv.”

While hippos generally look large and lethargic, the hippopotamus is the most dangerous and aggressive of all animals. At least that’s what they told me on the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland.

Dane Cook Caught Lipsynching

At a comedy show in Hollywood this weekend, Dane Cook started telling jokes but his microphone was turned off.

Seconds later, his “backing track” came on and he continued telling a humorous anecdote about driving through a parking garage with a surprisingly squeeky floor. Haha, oh man, I can so relate to that!!!

Why a backing track? I guess he’s incapable of telling jokes and acting like a douchebag at the same time.

Bear Grylls Even More of a Fraud…

In addition to taking advantage of the American public, stringing them along and faking his survival skills, Man vs. Wild star Bear Grylls takes advantage of his women, strings them along and fakes his orgasms!

A cocktail waitress at the Waunakee, Wisconsin Hilton, where Grylls stayed while filming one of his episodes, said she had relations with the host, who referred to himself under the pseudonym Barry Goulian, and ultimately faked his climax.

So Grylls is like the Gillete Mach 3 of faking…3 different lies to cut extra deep.

“It was really weird,” said the waitress, who requested to go unidentified, “because he was making all the noises and motions, but I could tell nothing was happening.”

“He would say things like ‘Uh, it just tastes like guts ‘n puss ‘n brain….here it is!’ but then nothing ever happened.”

Like lolcats? Try lolpats…

Pat O’Brien in our very own lolpats…

Big Momma’s House 2 Remake

Martin Lawrence has announced his plans for a remake of the 2006 classic Big Momma’s House 2.

“It’s a timeless story that deserves retelling,” says Lawrence. “There was so much untapped potential in the first sequel, I think this could really revitalize the Big Momma’s House Franchise.”

Sources say the script stays pretty loyal to the original sequel and will definitely be a remake of the movie two years ago, not a third installment of a trilogy.

Lawrence plans to revive his role as Malcolm Turner, aka Big Momma. As of now, not a single director has shown interest in the project.

Winehouse Supports Rhinos!

After another quick stint in rehab, Amy Winehouse has decided to embrace a new cause: the endangered rhinocerous.

She says that proceeds from her new album will go to her new charity “Wino’s Rhinos.”

When asked whether she supports the endangered rhinos simply because it rhymes with her nickname, she responded, “Of course, isn’t that why Ethan Hawke gives his salary to…uhm…what are they…birds?”.

Ethan Hawke has never said such a thing.

Tom Petty Penis Slip

Altough Fox took many precautions to prevent a second Nipple Gate, the network couldn’t safeguard the viewing audience from witnessing Tom Petty’s penis slip out of his pants.

Petty says the accident occurred because of a costume malfunction during Free Falling. Cue freeballing/Free Falling joke.

At least Patriots fans were happy, saying that they didn’t think anything could be as upsetting as watching their team ruin an undefeated season, until seeing Petty’s junk.

How They’re Celebrating: Chinese New Year

February 7th is Chinese New Year! How are some celebrities scheduling?

Daniel Dae Kim:

“Actually I’m Korean, so I won’t be celebrating the Chinese New Year.”

Tila Tequila:

“It’ll just be a normal day for me. I’m Vietnamese so I don’t observe Chinese holidays.”

Cedric the Entertainer

“I’m f*@#ing black. Does it look like I’d celebrate f*#$ing Chinese New Year?”

…So who celebrates this holiday anyway?

It’s Over Already!

Another Hollywood couple fades fast: Eric Bana and Jennifer Aniston break up before they even meet.

Fate says they were destined to meet while vacationing in Hawaii in early June, but they’ve already broken up due to “irreconcilable differences.”

I’m quite upset. They didn’t even give the relationsihp a chance. It’s hard to get to know someone without even meeting them.

Benecio del Toro Gives You Wings!

Renowned actor Benecio del Toro is giving up performing to market his new energy drink, “Indifference.”

Instead of taurine, the drink has Torine, which is what gives del Toro that shot of adrenaline he always exhibits. It is supposedly made up of del Toro’s sweat, tears, and laugh extract.

“Sometimes I get really lethargic,” says del Toro, “but when I drink Indifference, my mellowness shoots through the roof.”

“Indifference” is the latest in celebrity merchandise, following in the footsteps of Jessica Simpson’s SAT Prep Books.